#Mylifematters

The controversy over whose life matters with hashtag #blacklivesmatter and #bluelivesmatter is stupid.  You know whose life matters? Mine.  My life matters.  

I’m more than the thin blue line I walk, the badge I wear, the uniform and agency I represent.  I’m also a mom, wife, daughter, sister, mentor, and friend.  I do my best to make the right decisions, to help others, and to make this world a safer place.  I matter because of all of those things.  I matter because those things matter to me.  I matter because I choose to.  

Justice is blind.  People are not.  We judge by what we see and hear, and what we see is from a narrowed perspective, what we hear is what we are told.  It takes more than one person to make a nation so violent and unforgiving.  It will take more than one person to make our nation peaceful and able to forgive.

#Mylifematters.  Does yours?

To my non-LEO husband...

To my non-LEO husband,

I see social media posts from several police wives cheering on their husbands who wear the badge and vest every day protecting their communities.   I see wives wear shirts or necklaces with some sort of “proud police wife” logo, read blogs by other LEO wives, and have forums just for them.  It’s heartwarming and a welcome sight to know my fellow officers have this support. 

What I don’t see is the public support for police husbands.  It’s not a traditional role to have just the wife as the law enforcement officer.  There’s usually the husband as the LEO or both spouses wearing the badge.  I don’t see “proud police husband” on shirts or coffee mugs.  They’re made to order perhaps.    

You sacrifice so much more as my husband because of my job than any of our friends could understand.  Over the years you've watched me put on my gun and badge, kiss me goodbye, and tell me every time I leave for work, “I love you, be careful.”   

You've had family and friends question how you deal with knowing the dangers of my job.  I've been asked numerous times if you were also a cop.  When I tell them “no” the next question is usually, “Really?  What does he think of you being a cop?”  There’s no simple answer so I just say, “You’d have to ask him.”    

You've listened to sirens in the distance and wondered if it was me headed to a call in progress, or my zone partners headed to me for backup.  You've paced for hours unable to reach me after hearing that a female deputy was shot on our very street, and had to keep your bearing for the sake of our boys until you knew I was okay.  You've watched breaking news of violence against police officers across the nation then watched me get ready for work to respond to similar threats of violence in our own community. 

You've been woken in the middle of the night by me having to leave for a call out even on days that I wasn't supposed to be on call.  You've dealt with last minute cancellations for dinner or plans with friends because I ended up with a late arrest.  You've had to leave work early to get our boys because I'm stuck on a crime scene.

You've put up with squad parties surrounded by cops talking in ten-codes you don’t understand, and see me laughing with them about inside jokes you “had to be there” to find funny.   On holidays I've had to work, you've made your homemade sauce and baked ziti for my zone partners knowing it would be our only hot meal that day. 

You've listened to me talk about calls for service that would give most people nightmares.  You've watched me struggle with my own nightmares from certain calls that I couldn't talk about.  You've accepted my career choice and told me numerous times you’re proud of me.  You understand why I do this job.  

I see this.  All of this.   Thank you for your constant support, your sacrifices, and for keeping faith and God in our family.  I love you more. 

Mourning Bands

The line we follow is a thin one. It's surrounded by darkness, separating good and evil, right and wrong.  It's illuminated by all of our fallen officers who maintained their integrity in the face of diversity, had courage to act when others crumbled, kept going when everyone else quit, trusted in their fellow officers to do the same, and had faith in something greater than themselves.  The line runs straight and doesn't stop until end of watch.

On March 5, 2014, the line stopped for Corrections Deputy / FTO Darrel Connor. Today we wear this line across our badges in mourning of our fallen deputy.  His story began with our agency over fifteen years ago, touching many lives along the way.  Please keep his family in your thoughts and prayers as they find closure to move forward.

Color of Justice

My news feed, social networks and blog rolls are full of snarky remarks about Justin Beiber's mug shot.  I laugh at the comparison to Miley Cyrus, and wonder if the justice system would actually prosecute him for his crimes or even deport his candy ass back to Canada.   Then I see this headline: Kerchner pleads guilty in Brevard deputy shooting case.

I watched the news clip on this and scoffed at the plea deal they gave her.  She won't serve 12 years.  Political BS will end up releasing her early to community control because of over-crowding in the prisons or good behavior.  I doubt she'll make six months of being released from prison before she violates her probation for drugs or something stupid she can't seem to get away from.  It will happen.  The same people are arrested for committing the same crimes over and over because they are creatures of habit.  Even with support bad habits are hard to break. 

My sympathy goes out to Andrea Kerchner's father.  Don't roll your eyes.  The man is still her father regardless of her actions, and his statements were made through feelings of hurt, anger, confusion, and guilt.  The article mentioned a son who was murdered, another son who is law enforcement, and Andrea who rebelled and left home at a young age where she ended up heavy into drugs. 

His view on his daughter's involvement: "The fact remains that she wouldn't have done it and didn't have any part in it, but she will have to pay for being in the wrong place at the wrong time."

No, Mr. Kerchner, the fact remains she did have a part in it.  She chose to be there and that didn't change until the split second between her handing Bradley the gun and him pulling the trigger, to her yelling for him to hurry up and go.  

Kerchner wasn't allowed to face Pill's family as she apologized in court.  "I'm very sorry for the family's loss," she said. "I was on a lot of drugs. I don't have any excuse for my actions." 

Her apology is hard to hear over the court's decision barring law enforcement from wearing uniforms or other insignia during Bradley's trial.  One of his attorney's believes a "sea of blue and green" would influence the jury and diminish Bradley's right to a fair trial.  I believe the attorney is ignorant.  Limiting the audience to plain clothes will not prevent law enforcement presence.  

Deputy Pill's family is not confined to her widower and sons.  The attorneys forget that It extends well beyond the courtroom walls and bleeds into the entire community of Brevard County.  When Bradley stands trial there will be a strong law enforcement family presence.  

I call upon my brothers and sisters in the public safety sector (police/fire/etc.) to show your support and wear blue and green shirts to the trial.  A "sea of blue and green" can be the color of justice for #644. 

One Year Ago...

One year ago today a fellow deputy was killed in the line of duty.  Barbara Pill’s name is etched on a memorial, but more so her legacy is etched in the hearts and minds of those who knew her.  She walked the thin blue line where sometimes there’s justice and sometimes there’s just us.  May we all remember the reason we do this job and to make it worth doing for those that come in behind us. 

My thoughts and prayers go out to the families of all our LEOs who made the ultimate sacrifice.  Thank you for your service.  644 EOW

Behind the Badge

Curiosity invaded my thoughts today after I read a fellow blogger's post on what it's like being married to a cop. I have quite a few friends who hold the title “Cop's Wife”and realized only one of my female coworkers has a husband who works outside of law enforcement. There must be more men behind the badge, who either stay home with the kids or work in the civilian sector.


Law enforcement is a life the entire family has to be on board with in order to make it work. For many years I had the privilege of seeing my brother-in-law become a very successful police officer and work hard to get promoted. His wife and kids worry, wife more than kids, but they know the support at home is what helps keep him safe on the job.


It's a delicate battle we fight, to keep our lives balanced as we bring order and maintain the peace in our communities. There are things we're exposed to in this job that can't be explained to most and we don't want to explain to others. Mainly because you don't want to relive those moments; you don't want the images refreshed in your head that took numerous calls and reports since then to bury. Hubs and I met in the military and in respect to my current job he understands why I don't divulge certain details. Its part of what we keep hidden behind the badge.


You see, the badge I wear fits into the palm of my hand. Its physical attributes are nothing more than a piece of metal that pins to a uniform. What it represents is the true value. The responsibility of the person who wears it doesn’t end when the uniform comes off. That is sometimes the toughest part for families, seeing their loved one out of uniform seemingly “off duty” and still in cop mode. You eventually figure out how to leave work at the threshold, but it’s not a matter of turning it off. You can’t. I can’t. I won’t.


My husband is married to a woman who walks out the front door wearing a target on her chest. He sees the uniform lying in the clothes basket with blood on it (or God only knows what) and doesn’t ask what happened unless I bring it up. He goes to bed alone most nights as I stay up typing reports and finishing work for the next day. We juggle our intimate time together like a circus clown on fire. That’s a fairly accurate description considering our life is a frenzy of circus acts with our boys taking center ring. Some days I half expect to see a monkey riding one of our dogs through the house.


Hubs manages to keep his worry and frustration about my job reasonable. The shift work, over time, dangers of the job, and even a twinge of jealousy are all part of the battle. The balance is our communication. I beam with humbled pride at him for wanting to share my success and goals. Even more I think it drives him to reach his own.


Life behind the badge is not easy. If it were then everyone would live it. The sacrifices and lack of others’ understanding often hinder our relationships with friends, wear on our patience with loved ones, and keep us at a distance with our own emotions in order to do the job. In regards to who’s wearing the badge in the relationship…that doesn’t mean they are the ones who make all the sacrifices. It’s a delicate battle indeed.



S. McLaughlin

Dedicated to all public safety and military families.